What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 04:33
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Who then, do I blame.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Ive learnt so much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What made you stop being an addict?
All the time i was locked up.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Have you ever answered your door in lingerie?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I think the readers, may guess!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Will Canadians still buy American products?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
How can you know if they are your twin flame and not limerence or obsession?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im still living with it.
She wouldn,t have been !
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
What have I done wrong? How can I start over?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We all went to grammer schools
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I said to her
I don,t even have a pension.
Would this be the day?
What did i know ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it wasn’t much.
When she asked me how she looked .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I waited trembling.
I will be 64.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is soul school!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I have no regrets .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So whats the point in blame.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Comes on , in middle age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She married twice! .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And i lived it daily.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was 9 years of age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was seconnd youngest,
I was scared of men, in general
We were not on the streets..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was very sick at this time too.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My life is so biszare .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She loved him until the end.
He knew the spot.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I could never make a relationship work though!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was in good health!
My family never makes their pension either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So, i spoilt her more .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I write beautiful poetry .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Was to survive, this bastard.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She found it foreign!.
One cannot live in the past .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.